“There's a certain feeling of wading through water with this phone, as every time we went exploring the menus, we were met with a delay long enough to make us doubt our keystrokes registered.”
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Anyone who's ever worked for a carrier has had this conversation at some point in their careers (hell, once a week):
Rep: "What phone do you have?"
Cus: "A (carrier) phone..."
ATTN phone manufacturers: Hurry up and invent the device that lets me stab people over the phone already.