“There's a certain feeling of wading through water with this phone, as every time we went exploring the menus, we were met with a delay long enough to make us doubt our keystrokes registered.”
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Nothing screams "I never have nor do I ever wanna get laid" more than a tattoo of a yet to be released (or even a released) cell phone.
In the dictionary next to the word "Virgin" is a picture of this guy.